Cliché as it sounds, there’s nothing truer than the fact that change is inevitable. I think we all know that by now. But even then, we still get frustrated by sudden changes that leads us to finding out what the factors were.
I am not going to talk about what factors change. I am here to talk about time in relation to change.
What could a year do to you?
A year is too much. Every year, you are new. A person you met a year ago might not recognize you now. A friend of yours in High School may even pinpoint that something is different. But how about you, what do you think a year can do to you?
I am to talk about my personal experience, and if the sound of personal doesn’t bore you enough, feel free to continue reading.
I know I was a better person last year. More specifically, the beginning up to mid of 2016. I was striving hard, academically. I was a thoughtful member of the family (or so I think). I was firm with my faith. I was a friend.
Today I wasn’t. I messed up my schooling. I messed up my relationship with some of the members of my family. My faith has weakened. I lost some friends. And if those weren’t enough reason to be sad, I don’t know what is.
I ain’t going to elaborate how and why. But so much had happened that I have become someone I no longer could recognize. I have changed greatly, and unfortunately, I have turned into someone I am not so proud of.
That’s what a year could do to you. That’s what a year has done to me.
They say you leave the past in the past. Leave yesterday to yesterday. Look ahead. But I don’t. I dwell in the past. I always admire the past me.
2015, I told myself I was better a year ago.
2017, I’m telling myself I was better a year ago.
And I believe myself.
But what could a day do to you?
See, you might think that a day doesn’t cost you too much change. The you you are now will still be the you you will be tomorrow. Your friends who saw you now will recognize no change at all tomorrow (unless you got a haircut, or you changed your shade of lipstick). And so we tend to wave off everyday that has passed, unaware that a little of every day is what changes us in a year.
For the past few years, I’ve been questioning myself if I’m still doing something I love. If I still believe that this is my calling. For the past few months, I’ve been questioning myself as to what could be wrong. For the past few days, I’ve been asking myself, why my faith–though you might think I’m on fire spiritually–I assure you is on its weakest.
Five days. I took five days off. By off I mean dedicated 5 days searching for something I know nothing of.
I searched for me. I searched for everything I love. I searched for what I used to do. I searched for answers. I searched for God. I searched for reasons. I searched for whys.
I have always been tired of drowning on my thoughts. So I wave them off every time they would come ruin the day I’m having. And then I remember this stupid movie Inside Out for some reasons. And I told myself, “Why not be sad, Rachelle Anne? Why not?”
Why not be sad?
Why not be disappointed?
Why not be disappointing?
For the past five days, I have allowed myself to feel. I have allowed myself to cry at night. I have allowed myself to surrender. Thanks for those, Sadness. Today I wake up, maybe not so strong, but stronger. Not wise, but wiser.
I recalled every advice given to me, by friends, by an acquaintance, by my old self. I internalized. And I have realized so much.
First, I’ll always think I was better last year if I keep on refraining myself to live for today. And I could use that either as a weapon or destruction. It all depends on me. Things may not go in my favor all the time, but the best that I could do is to monitor the character transformation I’m going through and make sure that I stand for the better.
Second, a day could do as much to you as a year could. It depends on how you spend the day. Realign your priorities.
Third, productivity depends on how you interpret it. You may do every chore you have, and feel unproductive. You may spend the whole day reading, and feel productive. Productive means being able to accomplish your priorities. So aligning your priorities is the challenge, not the action.
Fourth, your faith being shaken doesn’t mean He’s losing interest to fixing your life. Your faith being attacked – by you, by someone else, or by things – could be a way of God telling you to surrender and let Him. I know, you may think you’re faithful. Sure you are. I know, you trust Him and believe in Him. Sure you do. One of the most significant person in my life once told me (Hi, Aldrin!), not everyone who fights will win, and not everyone who surrenders will lose. Ain’t that true? Isn’t it is also the Lord Jesus who told you that you must experience these things so you’ll be able to endure? Another thing, you running to God doesn’t mean you are the better person. You turn to Him because you need Him more than anyone else (Thanks, ate Sylin!). You turn to Him because you believe it is only He who could give you the comfort you need, the answers you seek. Trust in Him,
like more than you used to.
Fifth, you’ll lose but you’ll gain. You lost some friends. Sure, that breaks you. It made you angry, sad, frustrated, and regretful. But there were people around you who may not be as close to you as you wanted to, but deserves the thoughtfulness you once showed the people you lost. When you always feel sad for the people who are no longer a part of you present, you’ll tend to lose the people who are still a part of your present. Haven’t you learned that? You tend to lose your present self because you spend your time and energy worrying about your past self instead of your present self. That’s the sixth.
Seventh, your time will come. Believe. You may feel weak now, but you’re called to endure. You may feel worn now, but you’re called to persevere. You may feel lost now, but you’re called to worship. You may feel forgotten now, but you’re called to wait.
This is what a day could do to you. This is what a day has done to me.
Do not stop giving yourself a day away. A day means just as much as a year. Embrace learning just as how you try to embrace change.